Return-Path: X-Original-To: info@ausheart.com.au Delivered-To: info@ausheart.com.au Received: from localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 51E643FA30 for ; Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:25:44 +1100 (EST) Received: from marlin.fishinternet.com.au ([127.0.0.1]) by localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id 05262-02 for ; Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:25:27 +1100 (EST) Received-SPF: none (marlin.fishinternet.com.au: 150.101.193.82 is neither permitted nor denied by domain of fathersonline.org) client-ip=150.101.193.82; envelope-from=info@fathersonline.org; helo=polyglot.com.au; Received: from polyglot.com.au (eth2643.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net [150.101.193.82]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 36B713FA04 for ; Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:25:18 +1100 (EST) Received: from server ([192.168.100.14]) by polyglot.com.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.211); Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:29:39 +1100 Thread-Topic: Fathers-Reaching deep Within Reply-To: Message-ID: <0eca01c5fee5$6da98800$0101a8c0@polyglot.local> thread-index: AcX+5W2nHJQOX9CfQFOvLnTW+3SSxA== From: To: Subject: Fathers-Reaching deep Within Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:29:39 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0ECB_01C5FF41.A11A0000" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Exchange 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.326 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 12 Dec 2005 06:29:39.0088 (UTC) FILETIME=[6DABF900:01C5FEE5] X-Virus-Scanned: amavisd-new at fishinternet.com.au This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0ECB_01C5FF41.A11A0000 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable =20 =20 Unable to read this email? Please click here =20 =20 Issue 171 - 5th November 2005 Go to our website Here =20 =20 * Welcome * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * Kids on the Net * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * About Us Welcome =20 =20 It is a privilege to be a part of the fatherhood movement in Australia today. The 'fatherhood movement' is a loosely knit coalition of groups and individuals that are working together to fulfil the words of Malachi, 'turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers'. If we are not successful, Malachi tells us that 'the land will be stricken with a curse!' These words seem rather far-fetched until one reads the reports from social scientists around the world regarding the results of fatherlessness. Fatherlessness is a direct/indirect contributor to increased levels of poverty, lowered educational performance in children, increased crime, increased drug abuse, increased sexual imbalance, increased physical health problems, increased mental health problems, increased levels of child sexual abuse and the list of problems just seems to be getting longer and longer every day. =20 The reason that it is a privilege to work with men who are part of the fatherhood movement is that many of these men are reaching deep within themselves in order to find answers to their own as well as society's problems. Tony Miller from Dads in Distress is one such man. Tony has formed single father's support groups all over Australia. A time when men are encouraged to share their feelings and be listened to by other men, without judgement or questioning maybe for the first time in their lives. A motto of Dads in Distress is, 'there is your story, her story, and the truth'. Healing comes as men talk and listen. =20 After numerous requests from women all over Australia, Tony Miller has just set up 'Mums in Distress' along the same lines. Tears flowed as mums met and shared their stories of heartbreak. Read about it in the Single Dads section of this newsletter. Tony Miller is a pioneer in gender reconciliation. He is doing a wonderful job. =20 Another man who has become part of the healing process initiated by the fatherhood movement in Australia is a single father of three living in Victoria. Steve Gray's groundbreaking article, 'What Some Dads May have Missed Then . . .' is also in this week's newsletter under Special Feature. Steve reaches deep inside to share the heartbreak of how his own fatherlessness, followed by the sudden and tragic loss of his father, was a contributor to his dysfunction as a dad. He shares how he overcame this through forgiveness. To reach deep inside yourself and share such heartache with others honestly requires a great deal of courage. Men such as Tony and Steve are leading the way in Australia today and fulfilling Dr Warren Farrell's prophetic prediction in 'Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say' =A9 2001 Finch Publishing = www.finch.com.au =20 =20 For the first time in history, the sexes have an opportunity to redefine love, to create not a woman's movement blaming men, or a men's movement blaming women, but a gender transition movement. =20 In the past we have been challenged by a paradox: political movements have been led mostly by unhealthy people, but few healthy changes have occurred without political movements. =20 In the future, we are challenged with the possibility of a movement producing healthy changes being led by mostly healthy people. This will happen only if men do their homework, study their internal worlds, have the courage to take their perspectives to the external world, and invite women to join them. Men can't say what men don't know, and women can't hear what men don't say. =20 Lovework =20 =20 Begin to do your homework and study your internal world. Think about your own upbringing, or lack of it, and begin to reach deep within and share your heart with those who are close to you. The woman of your dreams is waiting for you - and your children are too. =20 Yours for reaching deep within Warwick Marsh ________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 30 years. He is=20 the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in=20 age from 24 years to 13 years. Warwick is a musician,=20 songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he=20 can still laugh at himself. back to top=20 =20 Grandads =20 It may be hard on some fathers not to have a son; but it is much harder on a boy not to have a father. =20 Anonymous back to top=20 =20 Laughter New Seat Belt Design =20 =20 IF MY BODY WAS A CAR If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.=20 Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Darrel Lea opened a shop in my neighborhood! Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. back to top=20 =20 Single Dads =20 Mums in Distress by Tony Miller =20 Dads in Distress Inc has announced the formation of 'Mums in Distress', a support group based on the same concept as 'Dads in Distress'. =20 "There are no winners in divorce and separation especially our children." says DIDS founder Tony Miller. =20 The reality is mums suffer just as much as dads with the end result of our children ending in distress. We receive thousands of calls and emails from mums especially within the second marriage scenario who are struggling and with nowhere to go. Dads struggling with supporting two families, mums doing the balancing act trying to keep a relationship going and caught in the middle of the crossfire. The feedback we have received is that mums are not getting that help. Now they have a place to go. =20 Dads in Distress held the first 'Mums in Distress' meeting in Coffs Harbour this week and the group is set to expand rapidly across the country, only limited by funding and volunteer help. We offer mums a safe place to share their feelings along the same lines as a DIDS meeting, without judgement. Often mums going through divorce feel isolated and unable to talk to friends. That's where 'MIDS' can help. If you store up all that bitterness, anger and grief, it will eventually eat you away from the inside. 'There are 5 males a day suiciding in this country and there are also 2 females and many more that attempt. We need to address that', said Tony Miller. =20 Dads in Distress is not a men's rights group it's about EQUALITY and SUPPORT of all who go through the trauma of divorce or separation. It's about our children. It's about them not having to suffer because mum and dad have gone to war. 'Eventually', Mr Miller said, 'The goal is to get mum and dad talking, experiencing each other's pain and coming to a better understanding about what's best for their children. We are fighting a war and we are battling it out in the lounge rooms of our homes and we are doing it right in front of our kids. What are we teaching them?' =20 There are now 25 DIDS groups meeting regularly around the country. 'MIDS' is sadly needed and is a huge step forward for mums and dads but especially our children. And the next step is to establish 'KIDS - Kids in Distress? as a mentoring program run along the same line as 'DIDS' and 'MIDS' within our schools. Every second child is going through the same pain as we are and through a mentoring program we can reach those kids while they are still in school and teach them that it's OK to talk about how they feel and realise that it's OK to feel and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. =20 Tony Miller dids dids@nor.com.au =20 www.dadsindistress.asn.au =20 =20 For more information contact www.dadsindistress.asn.au or=20 Access the service by calling 1300 853437 Potential volunteers please contact us.=20 back to top=20 =20 Special Feature =20 =20 What some Dads may have missed then? by Steve Gray =20 I was just married, thirty years ago, when my father collapsed and died, despite my inefficient efforts at resuscitation. I returned to my own home that night and my wife of one year, who would be the mother of our three wonderful children, begged to be let-in to my world of grief and pain. I couldn't do it! I did not know how as I did not know what it was that ate me up from the inside out. The loss was not of that moment. My loss was for the twenty-something years of my life when I had never known my father. Now it was too late. This was what I could not share because I did not have the framework to assess it. =20 A big question: How many of us truly had a great experience with our own fathers, so that we may be better relationally equipped, particularly to relate to our own children? =20 Years later I became a Christian. At one of my very first prayer meetings I "saw" in my mind an old black & white, sepia-toned wedding photograph of my parents. But then it suddenly became full colour and my own father and mother, as young people on their wedding day, turned to each other and kissed.=20 =20 Did I actually "see" that, even though I was not even born at the time? I don?t know but I know it was with God?s help and think it was a true event. God was present at my parent?s wedding just as He is always there. Also the picture even in another house and so far outside of my own thoughts I could hardly have made-up such an image. =20 This is what I suddenly understood. When my parents married and then had children they did not set out to fail! They willingly started a journey in faith and happiness together. Regardless of the consequences they started in happiness and optimism. What I realised then, for the first time, was how inappropriate it was of me to judge or condemn their efforts, regardless of any less-than-perfect results. You see neither of them had known their own father when they had been children. What model had they had of parenting? A limited one at best. Consequent to this revelation of my own past, gaining a new perspective and repenting of my own judgmental attitude, I started my new freedom to be a Dad to my own children fifteen years ago.=20 =20 Reluctantly and unknowingly I started to live my own childhood through the experience of my children. I found unexpected places of joy with them but also learnt to visit and be freed from my own places of pain and loss.=20 =20 I feel this is a tragic edge of our suicide and marital failure problems. The Dad losing access to his own children, at a time when his healing from his own childhood, may be starting. He is hit with a double whammy - a current loss greatly distressed by the childhood emotional poverty of his own. He may have started addressing the former but the new loss just accentuates the pain of both. What I had personally missed I started to learn from my own children. This may be an issue for many men. It is the emotional baggage they carry without understanding. If their own children are suddenly taken away from them it may well be at an emotional growing and healing stage for the father who is just learning from his children the unresolved hurt he carried from his own childhood. =20 Looking back now over the past decade since my own divorce I find that healing and growing process within myself toward my children was actually enhanced by the breakdown. Although thoughts of suicide were my companion for years I could never visit my feelings of my own premature loss of my father upon my own children. I knew too well what that felt like. I became connected in a very personal sense to each of them and our relationship is clean: without dispute, argument, unforgiveness or bitterness. Each is a wonderful person and among my very closest of friends. In a way I made a decision: "I did not know my own father, but have forgiven and released him. I will learn how to become a father and never visit upon my children such a tragic loss".=20 =20 Regardless of the circumstances I have a reason and purpose for my life - to live for and with my children. It is a pretty safe bet they will be on this planet longer than I will. Is this a dangerous attitude? What if something should happen to them? =20 Well I know in the surety of Jesus, and the presence of God in my children's lives, that nothing can ultimately separate us. Here and now I have some work of encouragement and support with them, for them, and for me. =20 Saying "Yes" to Jesus was the single greatest life-changing experience of my life. And, I suspect it was the knowing of that personally which sustained and preserved my own life in later tough circumstances. =20 I have known men who did not survive such natural disasters that accompany this life. Similarly their own childhood was not supportive. Unfortunately I also know the tragic consequences upon the children left behind. I have known the children to blame themselves for their own father's death, though they had nothing to do with that sad personal choice. Though at times I have felt no self-esteem or willingness to continue, I know I could never leave such a legacy of loss. God taught me to grow and be healed of my own loss that I might encourage others. =20 So I help my own children as I am allowed, enjoying each moment with them. I continue to learn what it means to be a trusting and trustworthy Dad, and I have no fear of the future. Now that my youngest is in tertiary education I am seriously looking at a wife / life partner again. For me, and this is only a personal choice, but being free for my own kids was more important than challenging my time beside them with a new partner of my own. Perhaps I did not meet the right person or I was blind to some possibilities but I do not regret the choice. God has especially blessed me through my own traumas and times of loneliness so I could bless my children.=20 =20 If you may be challenged now, then find a solitary place and / or a trusted friend and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you. He took all our pain upon himself so we could enjoy this life, bearing up under the pressure, surviving and thriving - even when it feels like singing in the rain. Jesus waits with unfailing love. =20 Steve Gray - Finance Broker HOME_LOAN_SERVICE@bigpond.com.au =20 Single Parent of three (now grown) wonderful children back to top=20 =20 Thought of the Week =20 =20 =20 Men can't say what men don't know and women can't hear what=20 men don't say =20 Dr Warren Farrell back to top=20 =20 Kids on the Net =20 =20 Keeping kids from nasties on the net The Age, 8 December 2005 More needs to be done to protect minors from internet pornography, writes Guy Barnett. LAST month, 62 members of the federal Coalition signed a letter to the Prime Minister calling for a ban on access to pornographic, violent and other inappropriate material via the internet. The signatories believed the internet should be regulated in a similar way to other media. If adults wished to "opt in" to access the material then of course that would be their right, and they would have to apply for their right of access. It is too easy for children to access all manner of material on the internet, and I believe the system should default automatically in favour of protecting our children before we start considering the rights of adults. General access to this material at public facilities is an area of particular concern. According to the Australian Library and Information Association survey of its 91 members in late 2003, the majority of libraries in Australia did not apply filters. There is no legal obligation on public libraries to use filtering to prevent children accessing pornography. Options include filtering applied at the internet service-provider level (e.g. Telstra, Optus, Primus). It could be applied on the basis that those customers who wish to access pornographic or other adult material could apply to do so. An Australian Government review last year found there were a number of difficulties in mandating filtering at a server level with the cost of applying the filters being $45 million and ongoing costs of $33 million a year. Given the significance and magnitude of the reform, it could be seen as a small price to protect our children. This reform would be supported by parents and would have the effect of filtering out pornography at home and on public sites, with the onus being on adult users to apply for unrestricted access if they wish. The Australian Government established and funds NetAlert, monitoring safety on the net. In addition the federal Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, Helen Coonan, has announced an internet audit to ensure internet providers are complying with their codes of practice, and recently introduced a $2 million National Cyber Safe program. The Government also bans X and refused classification (RC) material from being hosted by Australian ISPs and content hosts, and requires all ISPs to provide filters at cost or below to consumers. It can fine ISPs if they do not comply with the industry codes. I do believe our Government should regulate the internet at home and in public places to ensure the best interests of children are protected. A survey by the Australia Institute called "regulating youth access to pornography" dated 2003 found that 84 per cent of boys and 60 per cent of girls had been accidentally exposed to pornographic material on the internet, while two in five boys had deliberately used the net to see sexually explicit material. The survey found that 93 per cent of parents were in favour of filtering out pornography available on the home computer, let alone those in public buildings. The survey also drew a link between prolonged exposure to this material and tolerance of sexual aggression. Is this why some men see women as a fashion to be used one day and discarded the next? Women deserve respect and our children protection from obvious indecency. Any civil rights claim to automatic access is overridden by these principles. One can only presume that unchecked, these statistics concerning internet misuse will grow, and will not be reduced unless action is taken. Why is the internet so different to any other medium? Because it is difficult and costly to regulate does not mean we should keep a hands-off approach. If an adult family wishes to restore its right to have access to pornographic and other material on the internet that may be deemed inappropriate, so be it, but if the family includes children then the parents must acknowledge their responsibility and duty of care to ensure their children do not become victims. Guy Barnett is a Liberal senator for Tasmania. _________________________________________________________________ Dear Warwick, (First, yes I know there are still bugs in the system thanks! We are working on them.) Liberal Senator Guy Barnett has been taking a lot of flack for standing up against the sleaze merchants. He gave a speech in the Senate last night and had a great column in yesterday's Age and Today's Mercury on Internet porn and the need for filtering. This is something we should all back. Please have a read of his piece (below) and shoot off a supporting letter to the Age, Mercury, and to the good Senator: * letters@theage.com.au =20 * mercuryedletter@dbl.newsltd.com.au =20 * senator.barnett@aph.gov.au Many thanks Bill Muehlenberg = back to top=20 =20 News & Info =20 =20 =20 Fatherhood Effective Group Leadership Courses in NSW =20 This 70-hour module develops the knowledge, skills and the personal qualities participants need for effective group leadership and the facilitation of therapeutic and educational groups. =20 Trainees, who successfully complete the course, receive a nationally accredited Statement of Attainment which is part of the Unifam Training and Education Diploma of Systemic Counselling Skills. The course has a maximum of 14 participants and is led by highly skilled and accredited trainers.=20 =20 Competencies being assessed are: UNIT CHCGROUP3C Plan and conduct group activities UNIT CHCGROUP2C Support group activities UNIT CHCGROUP1B Support the activities of existing groups=20 UNIGRP501A Assessment of Group Members and their Social Systems Cost: The course costs $650.00 (GST is not applicable) To register: To obtain an application form for this training, call Maureen Micallef at Burnside on 02 9768 6811 or email mmicallef@burnside.org.au or visit the web site www.burnside.org.au and follow the prompts to Resources and Training. =20 ________________________________________________________ Letters =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation, The Marsh Powerhouse =20 All the best for Christmas, New Year and an even better 2006 Regards =20 Dr Jim Turner =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 Could you please provide any sort of update as to the progress of the Exposure Draft Of The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Bill 2005? =20 My partner and I are in the process of initiating a custody case for his three year old son. The child's mother is making things extremely difficult to the point where she continuously attempts to enforce domestic violence and child abuse orders so that we can't see the child at all. We have spent the last 12 months fighting these accusations in court and they were finally dismissed when she didn't show up for the final Court Hearing. So not only did she waste my partners time and money, but also everyone else employed by the court system. =20 In September the mother filed a complaint with Child Services fictitiously stating that we neglected and harmed the child and he was left with a bruise on his back. She stated that she took him to the doctor to have it examined three days after we had contact with him. She stopped our weekend contact with him and we were forced to put in a contravention. She has since stopped us from having telephone contact with him because during our last conversation he stated "Mummy said that Daddy doesn't love me anymore." She ended the conversation as soon as she heard her son's statement. A mediation was set for last Tuesday but she did not participate. The court date is tomorrow. =20 The passing of the above draft would be a huge benefit for us as we are in this situation because the mother does not want the child to see his father (my partner) and she is doing everything possible to prevent us from seeing him, including making the most horrific allegations I have ever read/heard. Her actions are spiteful and unnecessary and do not promote contact between the parties as is required by the Family Court Legislation. On top of all this, she is in de-facto relationship with a man 17 years older than her who has a history of domestic violence and has been convicted for breaking his own son's arm. They now have a baby together. =20 I am worried about my partner. He only wants to see his son and is trying everything he can to do the right thing but the child's mother makes it impossible. What happens when doing the right thing doesn't work? Sometimes we don't get to see the child for months at a time because the mother files a complaint and visitation is put on hold until it is resolved. How can the system allow this? Why can't they see that there is a long history of allegations made by the mother that have been dismissed in court? How can they expect my partner to participate in mediation when his ex has not shown up for a single one yet? How can they not punish her for what she is doing to their child?=20 Perhaps the hardest thing is that the Justice system doesn't seem to work. Every time my partner's ex walks into a court room she is instantly seen as the victim and my partner the offender. How can you convince someone that accusations are not true when they have made up their mind before they even meet you? It's impossible. I'm sick and tired of hearing about the female's rights when everywhere I turn I see female's abusing it. It makes me ashamed to be a female. =20 I don't like what it is doing to my partner and his parents (the child's grandparents). We are now worried about my partner's mothers health. =20 This entire situation is unfair. More than anything we are worried about the child and the effects that this type of selfish, destructive behavior will have on him. We can already see the behaviour issues he is developing, let alone what must be going through his head when he knows that he loves his Dad but he is being told not to. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to think in the best interests of the child? =20 If you can provide any advice or direction it would be much appreciated. Kind Regards Abbie abbie_nona@hotmail.com=20 =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 I'm a new stay-at-home-dad and I'm looking for resources, contacts and other men to share the "full-on" fathering experience. Are there any organisations or groups that I might be able to hook into? I live in Campsie (SW Sydney) so I would be working from the base there. =20 BTW, I'm on your email list and love what you're doing to raise the=20 awareness of the importance of fathering in Australia. =20 Cheers, =20 Jireh j@jireh.net=20 =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 In my business in Port Macquarie I do, among other things, engrave jewellery. The other day a bloke came in and asked me to engrave a nice plain gold bracelet or bangle ( never was sure of the difference ).. =20 The message was....the date (2001) and the words, 'the day life turned from me to we ... Love always...." etc. =20 If he meant that, and if his wife also believed that, he will be unlikely to ever need the services of d.i.d.s. =20 The day he starts drawing up his individual charter of "rights" he's on the way down. We were made to form a unit, not a partnership like some corporation. A marriage is a whole and complete identity, that is why it bleeds so badly and hurts so deeply when it is ripped asunder. A divorce is akin to third degree gravel rash of the soul. If you are contemplating that path at this moment I would beg you to reconsider, and seek help. There is very little that is truly unrestorable if built on truth. My own life and marriage (third) are truly testimony to that. I've walked both roads: know the pain and loss and know the joy of victory when a marriage and kids are restored as family... Sorry I'll hop off me soap box.=20 =20 Nigel=20 =20 Editor's note: It must be understood that the Fatherhood Foundation does not agree with everything that is published in fathersonline. Nigel has found the weak link in Tony Miller's call for rights in marriage and we couldn't agree more! Marriage is all about unconditional love. =20 =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 Thanks for the Sexual Integrity DVDs and booklets. I have received them OK and have commenced going through them. Mary Ann Layden's speech was very powerful but so was all of what I have listened to so far. I know my own weaknesses as a man and that it is only through God's strength I can walk with integrity. Pornography and prostitution destroy the human spirit and are a blight on God's intention for people. They require our attention. =20 I am writing to my local member at the moment. I am writing re the impact of fatherlessness and the possible impacts of the industrial legislation on family life. I am so dismayed at the amount of rhetoric that comes from our Federal Government about families but so little action; in fact too often they only make things worse. =20 Congratulations on the Sexual Integrity Forum. Getting the people together that you did was magnificent. Getting real action could be even more difficult but keep up the good fight. May other people like myself who have had their hearts touched support you in what you are doing. =20 Congratulations also on the weekly newsletter. This is a huge undertaking, week in week out, in itself. =20 May God bless You, Alison and the rest of your family richly. =20 Yours in Christ's love Michael back to top=20 =20 Dad's Prayer =20 Dear God =20 Help me reach inside and share my heart with others, especially the ones I love. =20 We have all been wounded and it is out of our wounds that healing flows to others. =20 You know this well because=20 it is your son's wounds that have set us all free. back to top=20 =20 About Us Mission Statement & Help Us! =20 =20 Mission Statement=20 The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families. Click here for more information about us =20 Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving. That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation. Life is also about relationships. That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones. =20 If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation, please mail your cheque or money order to: Fatherhood Foundation PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top=20 Click Here to Unsubscribe =20 ------=_NextPart_000_0ECB_01C5FF41.A11A0000 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 171 - 5th November 2005 Go to our website Here


Welcome

 

It is a privilege to be a part of the fatherhood movement in Australia today.  The 'fatherhood movement' is a loosely knit coalition of groups and individuals that are working together to fulfil the words of Malachi, 'turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers'.  If we are not successful, Malachi tells us that 'the land will be stricken with a curse!'  These words seem rather far-fetched until one reads the reports from social scientists around the world regarding the results of fatherlessness.  Fatherless ness is a direct/indirect contributor to increased levels of poverty, lowered educational performance in children, increased crime, increased drug abuse, increased sexual imbalance, increased physical health problems, increased mental health problems, increased levels of child sexual abuse and the list of problems just seems to be getting longer and longer every day.

 

The reason that it is a privilege to work with men who are part of the fatherhood movement is that many of these men are reaching deep within themselves in order to find answers to their own as well as society's problems.  Tony Miller from Dads in Distress is one such man.  Tony has formed single father's support groups all over Australia.  A time when men are encouraged to share their feelings and be listened to by other men, without judgement or questioning maybe for the first time in their lives.  A motto of Dads in Distress is, 'there is your story, her story, and the truth'.  Healing comes as men talk and listen.

 

After numerous requests from women all over Australia, Tony Miller has just set up 'Mums in Distress' along the same lines.  Tears flowed as mums met and shared their stories of heartbreak.  Read about it in the Single Dads section of this newsletter.  Tony Miller is a pioneer in gender reconciliation.  He is doing a wonderful job.

 

Another man who has become part of the healing process initiated by the fatherhood movement in Australia is a single father of three living in Victoria. Steve Gray's groundbreaking article, 'What Some Dads May have Missed Then . . .' is also in this week's newsletter under Special Feature.  Steve reaches deep inside to share the heartbreak of how his own fatherlessness, followed by the sudden and tragic loss of his father, was a contributor to his dysfunction as a dad.  He shares how he overcame this through forgiveness.  To reach deep inside yourself and share such heartache with others honestly requires a great deal of courage.  Men such as Tony and Steve are leading the way in Australia today and fulfilling Dr Warren Farrell's prophetic prediction in 'Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say' © 2001 Finch Publishing www.finch.com.au  

 

For the first time in history, the sexes have an opportunity to redefine love, to create not a woman's movement blaming men, or a men's movement blaming women, but a gender transition movement.

 

In the past we have been challenged by a paradox: political movements have been led mostly by unhealthy people, but few healthy changes have occurred without political movements.

 

In the future, we are challenged with the possibility of a movement producing healthy changes being led by mostly healthy people.  This will happen only if men do their homework, study their internal worlds, have the courage to take their perspectives to the external world, and invite women to join them.  Men can't say what men don't know, and women can't hear what men don't say.

 

Lovework

 

Begin to do your homework and study your internal world.  Think about your own upbringing, or lack of it, and begin to reach deep within and share your heart with those who are close to you.  The woman of your dreams is waiting for you - and your children are too.

 

Yours for reaching deep within

Warwick Marsh

________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 30 years. He is
the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in
age from 24 years to 13 years.  Warwick is a musician,
songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he
can still laugh at himself.

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Grandads

It may be hard on some fathers

not to have a son;

but it is much harder on a boy

not to have a father.

 

Anonymous

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Laughter

New Seat Belt Design

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.

Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Darrel Lea opened a shop in my neighborhood!

Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes.

Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

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Single Dads

Mums in Distress

by Tony Miller

 

Dads in Distress Inc has announced the formation of 'Mums in Distress', a support group based on the same concept as 'Dads in Distress'.

 

"There are no winners in divorce and separation especially our children." says DIDS founder Tony Miller.

 

The reality is mums suffer just as much as dads with the end result of our children ending in distress. We receive thousands of calls and emails from mums especially within the second marriage scenario who are struggling and with nowhere to go. Dads struggling with supporting two families, mums doing the balancing act trying to keep a relationship going and caught in the middle of the crossfire. The feedback we have received is that mums are not getting that help. Now they have a place to go.

 

Dads in Distress held the first 'Mums in Distress' meeting in Coffs Harbour this week and the group is set to expand rapidly across the country, only limited by funding and volunteer help. We offer mums a safe place to share their feelings along the same lines as a DIDS meeting, without judgement. Often mums going through divorce feel isolated and unable to talk to friends. That's where 'MIDS' can help. If you store up all that bitterness, anger and grief, it will eventually eat you away from the inside. 'There are 5 males a day suiciding in this country and there are also 2 females and many more that attempt. We need to address that', said Tony Miller.

 

Dads in Distress is not a men's rights group it's about EQUALITY and SUPPORT of all who go through the trauma of divorce or separation. It's about our children. It's about them not having to suffer because mum and dad have gone to war. 'Eventually', Mr Miller said, 'The goal is to get mum and dad talking, experiencing each other's pain and coming to a better understanding about what's best for their children. We are fighting a war and we are battling it out in the lounge rooms of our homes and we are doing it right in front of our kids. What are we teaching them?'

 

There are now 25 DIDS groups meeting regularly around the country. 'MIDS' is sadly needed and is a huge step forward for mums and dads but especially our children. And the next step is to establish 'KIDS - Kids in Distress? as a mentoring program run along the same line as 'DIDS' and 'MIDS' within our schools. Every second child is going through the same pain as we are and through a mentoring program we can reach those kids while they are still in school and teach them that it's OK to talk about how they feel and realise that it's OK to feel and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Tony Miller dids

dids@nor.com.au  

www.dadsindistress.asn.au

 

For more information contact www.dadsindistress.asn.au   or

Access the service by calling 1300 853437

Potential volunteers please contact us. 

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Special Feature

 

What some Dads may have missed then?

by Steve Gray

 

I was just married, thirty years ago, when my father collapsed and died, despite my inefficient efforts at resuscitation. I returned to my own home that night and my wife of one year, who would be the mother of our three wonderful children, begged to be let-in to my world of grief and pain. I couldn't do it! I did not know how as I did not know what it was that ate me up from the inside out. The loss was not of that moment. My loss was for the twenty-something years of my life when I had never known my father. Now it was too late. This was what I could not share because I did not have the framework to assess it.

 

A big question: How many of us truly had a great experience with our own fathers, so that we may be better relationally equipped, particularly to relate to our own children?

 

Years later I became a Christian. At one of my very first prayer meetings I "saw" in my mind an old black & white, sepia-toned wedding photograph of my parents. But then it suddenly became full colour and my own father and mother, as young people on their wedding day, turned to each other and kissed.

 

Did I actually "see" that, even though I was not even born at the time? I don?t know but I know it was with God?s help and think it was a true event. God was present at my parent?s wedding just as He is always there. Also the picture even in another house and so far outside of my own thoughts I could hardly have made-up such an image.

 

This is what I suddenly understood. When my parents married and then had children they did not set out to fail! They willingly started a journey in faith and happiness together. Regardless of the consequences they started in happiness and optimism. What I realised then, for the first time, was how inappropriate it was of me to judge or condemn their efforts, regardless of any less-than-perfect results. You see neither of them had known their own father when they had been children. What model had they had of parenting? A limited one at best. Consequent to this revelation of my own past, gaining a new perspective and repenting of my own judgmental attitude, I started my new freedom to be a Dad to my own children fifteen years ago.

 

Reluctantly and unknowingly I started to live my own childhood through the experience of my children. I found unexpected places of joy with them but also learnt to visit and be freed from my own places of pain and loss.

 

I feel this is a tragic edge of our suicide and marital failure problems. The Dad losing access to his own children, at a time when his healing from his own childhood, may be starting. He is hit with a double whammy - a current loss greatly distressed by the childhood emotional poverty of his own. He may have started addressing the former but the new loss just accentuates the pain of both. What I had personally missed I started to learn from my own children. This may be an issue for many men. It is the emotional baggage they carry without understanding. If their own children are suddenly taken away from them it may well be at an emotional growing and healing stage for the father who is just learning from his children the unresolved hurt he carried from his own childhood.

 

Looking back now over the past decade since my own divorce I find that healing and growing process within myself toward my children was actually enhanced by the breakdown. Although thoughts of suicide were my companion for years I could never visit my feelings of my own premature loss of my father upon my own children. I knew too well what that felt like. I became connected in a very personal sense to each of them and our relationship is clean: without dispute, argument, unforgiveness or bitterness. Each is a wonderful person and among my very closest of friends. In a way I made a decision: "I did not know my own father, but have forgiven and released him. I will learn how to become a father and never visit upon my children such a tragic loss".

 

Regardless of the circumstances I have a reason and purpose for my life - to live for and with my children. It is a pretty safe bet they will be on this planet longer than I will. Is this a dangerous attitude? What if something should happen to them?

 

Well I know in the surety of Jesus, and the presence of God in my children's lives, that nothing can ultimately separate us. Here and now I have some work of encouragement and support with them, for them, and for me.

 

Saying "Yes" to Jesus was the single greatest life-changing experience of my life. And, I suspect it was the knowing of that personally which sustained and preserved my own life in later tough circumstances.

 

I have known men who did not survive such natural disasters that accompany this life. Similarly their own childhood was not supportive. Unfortunately I also know the tragic consequences upon the children left behind. I have known the children to blame themselves for their own father's death, though they had nothing to do with that sad personal choice. Though at times I have felt no self-esteem or willingness to continue, I know I could never leave such a legacy of loss. God taught me to grow and be healed of my own loss that I might encourage others.

 

So I help my own children as I am allowed, enjoying each moment with them. I continue to learn what it means to be a trusting and trustworthy Dad, and I have no fear of the future. Now that my youngest is in tertiary education I am seriously looking at a wife / life partner again. For me, and this is only a personal choice, but being free for my own kids was more important than challenging my time beside them with a new partner of my own. Perhaps I did not meet the right person or I was blind to some possibilities but I do not regret the choice. God has especially blessed me through my own traumas and times of loneliness so I could bless my children.

 

If you may be challenged now, then find a solitary place and / or a trusted friend and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you. He took all our pain upon himself so we could enjoy this life, bearing up under the pressure, surviving and thriving - even when it feels like singing in the rain. Jesus waits with unfailing love.

 

Steve Gray - Finance Broker

HOME_LOAN_SERVICE@bigpond.com.au  

Single Parent of three (now grown) wonderful children

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Thought of the Week


 

    Men can't say what men don't know

and women can't hear what
men don't say

 

Dr Warren Farrell

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Kids on the Net

      

Keeping kids from nasties on the net

The Age, 8 December 2005

More needs to be done to protect minors from internet pornography, writes Guy Barnett.

LAST month, 62 members of the federal Coalition signed a letter to the Prime Minister calling for a ban on access to pornographic, violent and other inappropriate material via the internet.

The signatories believed the internet should be regulated in a similar way to other media. If adults wished to "opt in" to access the material then of course that would be their right, and they would have to apply for their right of access.

It is too easy for children to access all manner of material on the internet, and I believe the system should default automatically in favour of protecting our children before we start considering the rights of adults.

General access to this material at public facilities is an area of particular concern. According to the Australian Library and Information Association survey of its 91 members in late 2003, the majority of libraries in Australia did not apply filters. There is no legal obligation on public libraries to use filtering to prevent children accessing pornography.

Options include filtering applied at the internet service-provider level (e.g. Telstra, Optus, Primus). It could be applied on the basis that those customers who wish to access pornographic or other adult material could apply to do so.

An Australian Government review last year found there were a number of difficulties in mandating filtering at a server level with the cost of applying the filters being $45 million and ongoing costs of $33 million a year. Given the significance and magnitude of the reform, it could be seen as a small price to protect our children.

This reform would be supported by parents and would have the effect of filtering out pornography at home and on public sites, with the onus being on adult users to apply for unrestricted access if they wish.

The Australian Government established and funds NetAlert, monitoring safety on the net. In addition the federal Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, Helen Coonan, has announced an internet audit to ensure internet providers are complying with their codes of practice, and recently introduced a $2 million National Cyber Safe program.

The Government also bans X and refused classification (RC) material from being hosted by Australian ISPs and content hosts, and requires all ISPs to provide filters at cost or below to consumers. It can fine ISPs if they do not comply with the industry codes.

I do believe our Government should regulate the internet at home and in public places to ensure the best interests of children are protected.

A survey by the Australia Institute called "regulating youth access to pornography" dated 2003 found that 84 per cent of boys and 60 per cent of girls had been accidentally exposed to pornographic material on the internet, while two in five boys had deliberately used the net to see sexually explicit material.

The survey found that 93 per cent of parents were in favour of filtering out pornography available on the home computer, let alone those in public buildings. The survey also drew a link between prolonged exposure to this material and tolerance of sexual aggression. Is this why some men see women as a fashion to be used one day and discarded the next? Women deserve respect and our children protection from obvious indecency. Any civil rights claim to automatic access is overridden by these principles.

One can only presume that unchecked, these statistics concerning internet misuse will grow, and will not be reduced unless action is taken. Why is the internet so different to any other medium? Because it is difficult and costly to regulate does not mean we should keep a hands-off approach.

If an adult family wishes to restore its right to have access to pornographic and other material on the internet that may be deemed inappropriate, so be it, but if the family includes children then the parents must acknowledge their responsibility and duty of care to ensure their children do not become victims.

Guy Barnett is a Liberal senator for Tasmania.
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Warwick,

(First, yes I know there are still bugs in the system thanks! We are working on them.)

Liberal Senator Guy Barnett has been taking a lot of flack for standing up against the sleaze merchants. He gave a speech in the Senate last night and had a great column in yesterday's Age and Today's Mercury on Internet porn and the need for filtering. This is something we should all back.

Please have a read of his piece (below) and shoot off a supporting letter to the Age, Mercury, and to the good Senator:

Many thanks
Bill Muehlenberg           

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News & Info

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fatherhood   Effective Group Leadership Courses in NSW

 

This 70-hour module develops the knowledge, skills and the personal qualities participants need for effective group leadership and the facilitation of therapeutic and educational groups.

 

Trainees, who successfully complete the course, receive a nationally accredited Statement of Attainment which is part of the Unifam Training and Education Diploma of Systemic Counselling Skills. The course has a maximum of 14 participants and is led by highly skilled and accredited trainers.

 

Competencies being assessed are:

UNIT CHCGROUP3C    Plan and conduct group activities

UNIT CHCGROUP2C    Support group activities

UNIT CHCGROUP1B    Support the activities of existing groups

UNIGRP501A            Assessment of Group Members and their Social Systems

Cost: The course costs $650.00 (GST is not applicable)

To register:    To obtain an application form for this training, call Maureen Micallef at Burnside on 02 9768 6811 or email mmicallef@burnside.org.au  or visit the web site www.burnside.org.au  and follow the prompts to Resources and Training.

 

________________________________________________________

Letters

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation,

The Marsh Powerhouse

 

All the best for Christmas, New Year and an even better 2006

 Regards

 

Dr Jim Turner

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

Could you please provide any sort of update as to the progress of the Exposure Draft Of The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Bill 2005?

 

My partner and I are in the process of initiating a custody case for his three year old son.

The child's mother is making things extremely difficult to the point where she continuously attempts to enforce domestic violence and child abuse orders so that we can't see the child at all. We have spent the last 12 months fighting these accusations in court and they were finally dismissed when she didn't show up for the final Court Hearing. So not only did she waste my partners time and money, but also everyone else employed by the court system.

 

In September the mother filed a complaint with Child Services fictitiously stating that we neglected and harmed the child and he was left with a bruise on his back. She stated that she took him to the doctor to have it examined three days after we had contact with him. She stopped our weekend contact with him and we were forced to put in a contravention. She has since stopped us from having telephone contact with him because during our last conversation he stated "Mummy said that Daddy doesn't love me anymore." She ended the conversation as soon as she heard her son's statement. A mediation was set for last Tuesday but she did not participate. The court date is tomorrow.

 

The passing of the above draft would be a huge benefit for us as we are in this situation because the mother does not want the child to see his father (my partner) and she is doing everything possible to prevent us from seeing him, including making the most horrific allegations I have ever read/heard. Her actions are spiteful and unnecessary and do not promote contact between the parties as is required by the Family Court Legislation. On top of all this, she is in de-facto relationship with a man 17 years older than her who has a history of domestic violence and has been convicted for breaking his own son's arm. They now have a baby together.

 

I am worried about my partner. He only wants to see his son and is trying everything he can to do the right thing but the child's mother makes it impossible. What happens when doing the right thing doesn't work? Sometimes we don't get to see the child for months at a time because the mother files a complaint and visitation is put on hold until it is resolved. How can the system allow this? Why can't they see that there is a long history of allegations made by the mother that have been dismissed in court? How can they expect my partner to participate in mediation when his ex has not shown up for a single one yet? How can they not punish her for what she is doing to their child?

Perhaps the hardest thing is that the Justice system doesn't seem to work. Every time my partner's ex walks into a court room she is instantly seen as the victim and my partner the offender. How can you convince someone that accusations are not true when they have made up their mind before they even meet you? It's impossible. I'm sick and tired of hearing about the female's rights when everywhere I turn I see female's abusing it. It makes me ashamed to be a female.

 

I don't like what it is doing to my partner and his parents (the child's grandparents). We are now worried about my partner's mothers health.

 

This entire situation is unfair. More than anything we are worried about the child and the effects that this type of selfish, destructive behavior will have on him. We can already see the behaviour issues he is developing, let alone what must be going through his head when he knows that he loves his Dad but he is being told not to. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to think in the best interests of the child?

 

If you can provide any advice or direction it would be much appreciated.

Kind Regards

Abbie

abbie_nona@hotmail.com

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I'm a new stay-at-home-dad and I'm looking for resources, contacts and other men to share the "full-on"  fathering experience.  Are there any organisations or groups that I might be able to hook into?  I live in Campsie (SW Sydney) so I would be working from the base there.

 

BTW, I'm on your email list and love what you're doing to raise the

awareness of the importance of fathering in Australia.

 

Cheers,

 

Jireh

j@jireh.net

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

In my business  in  Port Macquarie  I  do, among  other things, engrave jewellery.  The  other day a  bloke came in  and asked  me to  engrave  a nice plain  gold  bracelet or  bangle ( never was sure of the difference )..

            

The message was....the date (2001) and the words, 'the day life turned from me to we  ... Love always...." etc.

      

If he meant that, and if his wife also believed that, he will be unlikely to ever need the services of d.i.d.s.

 

The day he starts drawing up his individual charter of "rights"  he's on the way down. We were made to form a unit, not a partnership like some corporation. A marriage is a whole and complete identity, that is why it bleeds so badly and hurts so deeply when it is ripped asunder. A divorce is akin to third degree gravel rash of the soul. If you are contemplating that path at this moment I would beg you to reconsider, and seek help. There is very little that is truly unrestorable if built on truth. My own life and marriage (third) are truly testimony to that. I've walked both roads: know the pain and loss and know the joy of victory when a marriage and kids are restored as family... Sorry I'll hop off me soap box.

 

Nigel

 

Editor's note: It must be understood that the Fatherhood Foundation does not agree with everything that is published in fathersonline.  Nigel has found the weak link in Tony Miller's call for rights in marriage and we couldn't agree more! Marriage is all about unconditional love.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

Thanks for the Sexual Integrity DVDs and booklets.  I have received them OK and have commenced going through them.  Mary Ann Layden's speech was very powerful but so was all of what I have listened to so far.  I know my own weaknesses as a man and that it is only through God's strength I can walk with integrity.  Pornography and prostitution destroy the human spirit and are a blight on God's intention for people.  They require our attention.

 

I am writing to my local member at the moment.  I am writing re the impact of fatherlessness and the possible impacts of the industrial legislation on family life.  I am so dismayed at the amount of rhetoric that comes from our Federal Government about families but so little action; in fact too often they only make things worse.

 

Congratulations on the Sexual Integrity Forum.  Getting the people together that you did was magnificent.  Getting real action could be even more difficult but keep up the good fight.  May other people like myself who have had their hearts touched support you in what you are doing.

 

Congratulations also on the weekly newsletter.  This is a huge undertaking, week in week out, in itself.

 

May God bless You, Alison and the rest of your family richly.

 

Yours in Christ's love

Michael

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God

 

Help me reach inside and

share my heart with others,

especially the ones I love.

 

We have all been wounded

and it is out of our wounds

that healing flows to others.

 

You know this well because

it is your son's wounds

that have set us all free.

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About Us

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement

The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.
 
If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,
please mail your cheque or money order to:
Fatherhood Foundation
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

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